“Do the scary thing first and get scared afterwards” Beatrice Baudelaire – A Series of Unfortunate Events
This was already my go-to quote in scary situations yet somehow after talking to my tutor on Skype the scary situations I was facing dwindle into pale insignificance. Situations such as being at an art lecture and summoning up the guts to ask a question, for my voice to echo around the room with everyone looking at me, or to go up to a guy my own age (still not happening). After what my tutor wants me to do suddenly I feel I could speak to every guy my own age, heck I could ask them if they wanted to have a coffee.
I was talking to Les (my tutor) about Assignment Five, the self-directed project and how I wanted to simulate and capture a murder mystery of the landscape. “Something about, fracking,” I said chewing my pen thoughtfully. At the word Fracking Les suddenly burst into life, it was clear he approved thoroughly of the idea, burned with fury at the injustice, the fact that our local constituency had reached a verdict against the Fracking and then was immediately overthrown, the government crushed us, stamping on the local constituency as though we were a small ant that was messing up their caviar sprinkled five star afternoon tea.
I said I would create interviews. Just as I was about to say that I’d use my Godparents and friends to act out the role Les said:-
“The frackers and anti-frackers,” he said animatedly. I suddenly realised what he wanted me to do
“OH, I don’t know about that!”
“No do it, do it do it! Actively engage with them and see what they want, they’ll want to talk to you…”
Luckily I was making notes at top speed because my stomach was in turmoil at the thought of going up to these people to photograph them, interview them, but Les was continuing, find them online, go to the websites, go round to their house to interview and take photos.” According to my Mum who had just walked through the room my face was already burned with shyness and gasping like a landed fish!
My tutor said I shouldn’t feel scared about pointing the finger, that he and everyone would be behind me. That makes me feel like I’ve been pushed into the frontline by all the police, their shields against my back pushing me into the middle and all the anti- Frackers as my army.
Well, the course wanted creativity. And if I want the best mark I guess I’ll have to summon up some guts. I am a brave person. I feel I’m a coward, that I’d always be the person the zombies got, or the character in a movie who cries through the whole adventure. But that’s in my own mind. When I’ve actually been in a truly scary situation somehow I can become very strong, take matters into my own hands. So I will do this. I will be brave and contact these people. Even though it makes my heart pump hard and my stomach to squirm with snakes I’ll ‘fright’ through it. Because already since speaking to Les it’s about the little people, how our way of life and freedom of speech is a myth and we are controlled by those higher up who do what they want, stamp on who they please. Whilst I feel very very uncomfortable using the word, the murder mystery is almost a rape case, they are raping Mother Earth, our lives and freedom. We may be able to speak out about it but they don’t actually listen which means our freedom is an illusion, something given to keep us quiet. Some dare not speak out against their attackers. I do think this assignment will turn into something else, something I hope, quite powerful. Les said not to start with wondering what the result would be or how to go about it. He said to have no pre-conceptions or ideas just to launch straight into it. I guess Ill have to calm the squirming snakes and do this.